Editor’s note : The Big Ten and Mountain West are back! But what does that mean for the teams that are in the lower tens all season].
Inspiring thought of the week:
There’s too many things in front of me
They’re all trying to get ahead of me
I thought I could find a clean path for
, but instead I found the stop signs
Overflow too large
Overflow too large
Overflow too large
Good, good, good overflow
— Speedway, surviving souls…
Here at Bottom 10, which is in a creepy cemetery behind ESPN.com College Football Editors Youth Hostel where all our old and nasty hot doubles are buried, we suddenly have to stand on a chair to look over the room. That’s partly because I’m not very tall, of course, but the problem now is that this party room on Bottom 10, which used to be so rarely occupied that we actually reduced it to Bottom 5, is now closer than the old DT Bryan Mone gondola from Michigan with its helmet.
Is Brian Moon’s helmet too small?
– Tom Van Haaren (@TomVH) 15. September 2018.
Why a suddenly overcrowded house? Because on Saturday, 14 teams from the former Mone-Conference, the Big Ten, and a dirty dozen teams from Mountain-West, who broke from the rocks like an S-avalanche, entered our hall.
Our offices in the Lower Ten came together so quickly that a firefighter told us to split up. Out of curiosity, I asked who was calling about our illegal population. Marshall said it was an anonymous call, but the caller was from Storr, Connecticut, and he laughed like a doll.
All right, Coach Edsall, let’s see how it goes.
With apologies to the Ingui brothers and Steve Harvey, the Lower Ten this week.
1. ULM (expressed in Uhlm) (0-6)
The Warhawks gathered the troops and slowed down the influx of new teams with an incredible 38-14 defeat in the South Albama surplus. And by impossible to ignore we mean impossible to ignore for us in Bottom 10 headquarters and for the people who were allowed to enter the Hancock-Whitney stage on Saturday. Otherwise, I’m sure you’ve ignored it.
2. minute Fig. (0-1)
Among the teams that were back in the game was Rice, who does not play in the Big Ten or Mountain West, but has a season with at least three attempts for the season opener on the 3rd. September started blowing in the wind. Your reward for patience? A field goal that will win the game and has been scored once for each previous delay in the game, plus one more time just to rub it in.
Fault! The file name is not specified. – set
Rijst stood in line for a possible overtime for Midden-Tennessee, but the ball hit both poles and the crossbar twice and bounced back.
3. Missing South (1-4)
Unbeatable, the Golden Eagles now have almost as many carriages as losers. Head Coach Jay Hopson was fired 0-1. Provisional head coach Scott Walden led 2-1 and then missed the Liberty game last weekend because of his positive reaction to KOVID-19. During his forties, Walden was hired as head coach at Austin P. His temporary replacement for the Liberty game was Tim Billings, who dropped 1-0 and is now a permanent replacement for Walden, but only as permanent as the temporary head coach can be. And who’s playing at USM this weekend? Drumroll, please… Wait a minute, wait a minute… Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, we flipped the plates, we walked over the trap… Rice!
4. unLv (0-1)
The Fightin’ Tarks is the first of our new teams to jump/slide in San Diego with a 34-6 loss period. This weekend they play against their rival from Nevada, who the wise men opposite, uh, Strip, have put on the list of favorites with 13.5 points. This game may be a complete disaster for UNLV, but it doesn’t matter because it is the first home game in the Allegiant Stadium that looks like a huge Roomba.
5. We… …in the coveted fifth place (0-1).
From College Park and Champagne to East Lansing and Lincoln, teams on every corner of B1G were tearing up and asking questions: Wait a minute, why did we beg to come back this fall? But no one came down as hard as the Nittani Lions, who only lost their second game against Indiana (PSU leads in the 22-2 series), through a two-point transformation that bent the human body, the sidelines, the line between time and space and the pylon in one fell swoop. Meanwhile, when the In-A-Rut players said goodbye to the 21-player conference by losing the tape and leaving their own namesake from the last 10, our thoughts were so swollen that we reached out to Neil van Grass Tyson to find out everything.
6. Terrorist contacts in Maryland (0-1)
He never called us back, but his assistant reminded us that Dr. Tyson taught for years in Maryland and is currently locked in his lab to find out how someone loses at 43-3 Northwest.
7. Kansas Nyhox (0-5)
This season we’ve received weekly complaints from CU fans complaining that they’re not high enough in the rankings; and after the 55-14 House of the Kansas State Department collapsed on them, this takeover shouldn’t stop. That’s what it’s all about: Patience. The next three weekends will take place in Iowa, Oklahoma and Texas. That click you hear comes from the heels of Big Jay’s claws, his beak pointing up and down and says there’s no place like home.
8. US (not C) F (1-5)
The South Florida bulls lost to Hurricane Golden Tulsa at 42:13. Then the two teams shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. What they had to do was shake things up and exchange talismans. I was in Tulsa and I saw a lot of bulls, but not a single hurricane; and one day I was stuck in Tampa for three days because of a hurricane, not because of a herd of angry bulls.
9. UMess (0-1)
I outlined the protocol and I was ready to put CTL+C on the waiting list, but then someone yelled it out: Wait, there’s a list! As in the case of the list of games! We thought their season was a one-on-one win – certainly not a one-on-one win – after they lost their only scheduled game 41-0 to Georgia in the south of the state. But now, on the eve of the return of their previous conference (MAC), the Minutemen have loaded two more sets into their muskets – a visit to Marshall on the 7th. November and a Thanksgiving pilgrimage to freedom. I can only hope that they drive the UMass bus through the Storrs at every race and that they will thrill Randy Edsall when he yells at the people he’s paying to kick his driveway.
10. FI(not A)U(0-3)
The Panthers lost 19-10 to Jacksonville State, making them the first FBS team to lose to the FCS this fall. It’s always embarrassing. But if we consider that the level of the VCS does not even play on the full schedule of the decline, it reaches a new level of shame. Hey, Ryan, remember in gym class when your pants fell down? It’s embarrassing. OKAY, WELL… I have to stop writing now. I just remembered it’s time to call my therapist.
Waiting list: Need more cowbells (1-3), EC-Yew (1-3), Vanderbilt toilet doors (0-3), UVa clamps (1-4), Texas Wreck (2-3), Charlotte 1 and 2, Syra-cursed (1-5), Duke Bedevilds (1-5), IL-ew-noise (0-1), Michigan Sparce Winner (0-1), Maddle Tennessee (2-5), Texas Battleship (1-6), Cowid-19.