Cash Cow By Lee Pitts •

Cash Cow By Lee Pitts • Lee Pitts • Lee is a travel blogger who writes about his daily travel experiences to help people who would like to travel to do so. He has explored places like Vietnam, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, and Thailand. He has also traveled to the United States and parts of Europe. His travel blog is filled with quality travel photos and travel articles. He also runs a video blog on Youtube called Lee Pitts Travel.

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Lee Pitts is a freelance columnist for The and Paso Robles Press; you can email [email protected].

Hello, my name is Dave Scheister, and I work at Cunning, Devious, and Filcher, Financial Advisors.

I’m sorry, but I’m very busy right now and I can’t talk to you. My favorite anime series right now is. I don’t want to buy shares either. The only stock I want to own has four legs.

Wait, don’t hang up! begs the fast talker. We no longer waste our time canvassing for shares. It’s for dummies. There’s more money in LBOs today.

What is an LBO?

It’s a leveraged buyout, the financial genius replied.

Never heard of it. How did you get my name and phone number?

We bought it. Everything is for sale in this country these days, from phone numbers to politicians. In this period of merger madness, companies are buying up other companies en masse. I just heard that a cigarette company bought a hospital chain. The more cigarettes they sell, the more hospitals are asked for, that’s creativity. That’s also the way that all these transactions are financed… which is called a leveraged buyout.

I still don’t know what you’re talking about.

Let me put it this way: Do you have anything you’re trying to sell right now?

I have an old dairy cow that is drying out and I am thinking about taking her to a barn to sell her.

How much is it worth? Sheaster asked.

I was hoping to get $500 for it.

How about $10,000?

Mom, turn off the cartoons! Please continue.

I recommend a company that wants to diversify, and I’ve been told to look out for a company to buy. We’ll sell you your cash cow for $10,000. But because the company I represent has no money, we are going to sell bad bonds to outside investors. In other words, we promise investors who want to own part of your cow a very high interest rate for using their money, say 10%. Then, after ten years, we promise to pay them back their capital. Since they don’t know much about cows, we hire you as a manager and pay you $100,000 a year to manage their cow, which almost covers my fee. And if you don’t like working for them, you can leave with a golden parachute.

You really think you’re gonna find people willing to pay $10,000 for my old cow?

It’s child’s play. These people trust me, I’ve made them all rich, at least on paper. In business sales, honesty and integrity are essential, and if you learn to fake it, you will succeed.

What happens in a year or two when old Bessie isn’t milked anymore, or she dies and you can’t pay the interest on those substandard bonds?

In this case, the unwanted bond investors and the company I advise will simply write off the losses.

I don’t like the sound of this LBO thing. I don’t think my cow is for sale.

I’m warning you. We have ways of convincing you to sell it to us. Don’t be stupid and resist this attempt at a leveraged buyout. It is the best enrichment program ever developed. Realize that there are literally millions of people in the world. Why not collect the chips, literally, like the rest of the country does.

Speaking of land: Is America’s debt takeover really good for our economy?

I don’t know if it’s good for America, but it’s certainly good for stockbrokers, CEOs, lawyers, accountants and me.

I don’t know much about finance, but these LBOs remind me of a farmer selling his only milk cow to buy a milking machine.


How do you load…

Associated companies

We’ll get through this together, Atascadero.

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